Life's Poetry

These days I'm a ghost, I'm a shadow.
I'm here, I'm there.
Obese from emotions, I grow.
I'm nowhere.

One day I wake with smiles.
The next day I'm frozen.
My thoughts walk endless mental miles.
I think about the paths I've chosen.

I know I love my life's chart.
Good fortune has given me a wonderful wife and Daughter!
Happy memories sing to my human heart.
Have you ever asked yourself, why life is like a teeter totter?

In order to remain balanced, we must keep our feet on the ground.
Unless we share life with another, then the weight should be shared.
From a child to an adult, lessons will be found.
It is up to us not to let others down, when lovingly paired.

I believe action is words ruler, it has great measure.
A promise should be kept, for me it's an important belief.
Completing a life task is my souls pleasure.
My hope is after the storm , there will be a peaceful relief.

5/26/09

By Loren Wesley Ackerman


Dear Friends:

I know it has been some time since I posted last, you haven't heard much from me on your sites.
I do check in from time to time and if I missed something in an entry that you've grown from, please drop me a line. I will listen, I will congratulate, I will simply be your friend.

I assure you things are OK, MJ is happy! I will put some more photos of her up soon. Lisa is doing OK and we have been trying to enjoy the spring. I have been cooking out on the grill every night for weeks now. I've cooked every type of meat, with different sauces, spices, and veggies. Running out of ways, if you have any ideas send them my way.

I have been trying to get my life together, be here for my family. Write my book and find a great job! I'm going to take some classes on computers and if things go well, go back to school. Daycare might even be covered as well? I'm just trying to do the best I can with the way life is sometimes.

I will try to stop by all your places very soon! I hope life as been fair for you and yours! My heart is grateful for the wonderful ways you have all touched my soul, for the kind words over the last few months. Please Know that with me, once a friend always a friend.

Peace&Love
Wes Ackerman & Family

Life's Beautiful

I have been up thinking about my past and all the Ghosts I called friends. Stuck on my own mistakes, if I could of? If I would have? If had done this different?

I was young and too confident that life would go my way, despite the way the needle on my life's compass pointed.

Why am I in this frame of mind anyways? I'm not like this ordinarily, but have struggled with this human flaw throughout my life! It could be because I was a fool in my past, and a unintentional jester in life.

The problem is I'm sometimes the wall to my own success, every now and then I break the wall. Only to find myself surrounded by many walls, boxed in with human emotions.

Sometimes my best effort is like a runner breaking the wall, only to find cool shade to sit and think. To catch my breath, and continue running seemingly nowhere.

Man, even with much purpose can be blinded by confidence, fear and doubt can stop one in their tracks. It is my belief that we must first clearly see our paths, before we can continue the race.

Enough already with my ancient Wes wisdom! I'm 31 years old and still use my words to hide behind, when the truth kicks me in the keaster. I can soup it up, dish it out, but sometimes can't digest reality.

I will be honest, when I write my thoughts they come naturally. Lately I've struggled to complete sentences in conversations with people. Feeling as if I don't have much to say, when in fact my soul never shuts up. My mind never shuts off! My fingers deny me from my blog, my mind is Swiss cheese!

Then my soul screams to let it out, to shout at the world. Only to find that no one is there to listen, yet it screams? Throughout my life there has always been a group of people who cared to listen.

Others that I could listen to and to be of assistance sometimes. Other's so that I could be a gentle clown and to lift their spirits.

For some time now, I've found it difficult to laugh. Sometimes impossible to smile, and make others laugh. Growing up I might have gone out of my way to make people like me. As I matured I realized I enjoyed allowing others to like themselves. I will forever feel a calling to do so, the hard part is helping those you love the most.

With each tap on my computer pad I find it harder to type. I had no desire to enter my own site, but heard my screams whisper to write.

I want to read your entries, to see if life has been kind to you all. To hear about every joyous moment, and every damn detail of the day. To be strong enough to help you when you feel like me.

Being human is complicated as hell most of the time isn't! We must get out of bed no matter what. Even if it is to just go to the bathroom, or force yourself to eat. I feel lucky in life to have a handful of loved one's in my life.

I've discovered this place I call the web, in which sometimes you find friends. You find people who really read your words, no matter if it's fun or even interesting. People who really listen to you speak and sometimes they stop by for a visit. I feel blessed to have the chance to connect with you, no matter if it was a couple times or every time.

I thank you all!

I know my entries can be long and appreciate your curtius patience and warm words. I love the love and your utter honesty!

So, to be honest to my soul I will write what's on my mind.

My wife Lisa and I went to the Hospital today. We had to use our last option, she had to get a D&C. We could not deal through it naturally and the pills didn't work twice. After weeks of waiting and bleeding we had no choice. They thought it could have been a Partial Molar, and so far so good! The surgery went well and she is home tonight. We have been loving Malayna and each other throughout the night. We've discussed the way Life is the way it has been for us and I realized that even though I've handled it well. It is very hard for me to keep trying to comfort Lisa and to keep lying to my heart.

Since we lost lost our forming child, I realized that many people have had gone through this. Many a couple times before they had a child, and that 20 to 25% of parents have miscarriages. That number is pretty high and it makes me think about all the people affected by this. I want to hug them all!

I look and our daughter with pure love and realize how amazing she is. How she is our blessing, our miracle. When we first heard about her the Doctor told us that she may not be in the uterus.

I look at the amazing wife I share life with and know in my soul she is my miracle! Before her I was lost and unloved by a significant other. She entered my life when I was at my hearts emotional lowest.

I had lost my only Brother and Best friend Don, dealing with a grieving family. Being the glue that held our glass house together. I was dumped by my girlfriend at the time and dealing with my parents.

I was the first to Identify the body, so my parents didn't have to! I just turned 21 a month before and then suddenly became th oldest child and only son.

I will never forget the funeral, my parents crying on the floor. My saddened sister and his wife and my 11 month old niece Emily.

The Guy who handed my Brother the keys to the truck, after he had been drinking earlier in the evening. He reached out with his hand to say he was sorry, and I shook it.

I gave a Eulogy that people said was the greatest thing they ever heard! If it was so great then how come I can't remember what I said?

I was a Ball bearer and have been to many funerals. I have been asked to speak at several and sometimes expected. I don't mind helping others cope with death and live to help those in need. If only I could help myself sometimes, the good thing is I DO when it matters most.

I bring this up for many reasons, mainly to remind myself how strength has been stronger than sadness when dealing with death. To acknowledge that my Parents and I now have something more in common, my Mom had one after my Sister was born. My father had two in a previous marriage and lost two other children in a car accident as well. His total of children lost is 6! I love my Father and again bring this up for strength, he is a strong man. I wish we could really talk like we used to, but he is still recovering from his cancer.

My brothers Birthday is May 14 an this the time of the year we went Morel mushroom hunting with my family. Most of the time my Father, brother , and I would find many pounds together.I love it and still go by myself! I have found a few already and will go out tomorrow and get some more for my family. If I'm able I will take Emily this weekend? Still, I think the idea is great. No matter the weather the next few days I will go out, because there is only about a good week left in the season. (depending on the weather?)

If things go well, I will have great entry about it! But my pictures will be on Face book.

Malayna Jane is growing so fast and helps our hearts feel love! We will take her to the park to play this weekend. Maybe go to the Drive In to see a couple movies, just get out and enjoy this beautiful spring.
GO BULLS!
We have been hooked on the NBA Playoffs, like every year! The best part about it is, even though the refs are swine we go to Game Seven tonight! The last game was awesome and the series has been one of the best in years!

I thank you for stopping by and wish you all a wonderful weekend!

Thanks for Listening!

Peace&Love
Wes Ackerman & Family

A Restrained Rant

April 22, 2009 was another calendar Earth Day. Every one that has passed since I was a small child has brought out a desire to express my love for this planet. A beautiful place we share called earth. I try my hardest to stay positive and not to sound too negative, but usually say nothing. Not for fear of being labeled a tree hugger or a liberal piece of trash. I hold back for the fear that humanity truly doesn't care, and that we believe we are the superior species.


Why? Because humanity does feel this way, we talk about the race for a cleaner world by country? Not sincerely working together, not really listening to those who our informed enough in the matters of science. I don't claim to to be a know it all or a scientist. Certainly not a political graph man, nor a dog that will not learn knew tricks.


Over the years I've heard and read about many technology's or Ideas. Many of them are indeed beneficial to our lives, some are naturally cleaner. From certain flowers or weeds, and from our earths natural energies. I watched our political leaders question our EPA and the Obama administration, and felt that they worked against each other. Ripping a new one into the current administration, when most of them sat back and allowed the last one to turn our country into one of the worst leaders in clean energy. Allowed them to destroy many regions by greed and environmental rape.


The last administration had spent countless blank checks, and we still don't know where all the money went?


We spend countless dollars on useless projects and unearned pay raises. I feel on the matter of politicians, they should forfeit their salary's. Especially in our countries economic troubles, I mean have they really earned it? They will still have a great medical package, has anyone else heard people say that Americans should be responsible for our health care. When most families have none? Some of our health issues are due to pollution and intentional poisoning to our water sources. I've heard that the amount of pharmaceuticals leaked are not harmful, but am smart enough to know that babies and children should not be ingesting any amount of these adult medications!


What about cigarette smokers poisoning people by a cigarettes outdoors? When we have smoke stacks and gas hogs pass our crowded streets. But people cringe at cigarette smoke at out door events. I would say this if I never smoked! It has been proven that pollution is a leading cause to asthma and many breathing problems. We have Isotopes that linger in the clouds and certain isomers that spill into our water as well. They thrive in water and cause much ill health. Like I said "I'm not a scientist!" but know that we the humans build broken bridges! We make roads that only lead in one direction, a road to nowhere.


It is not too late, and I still cling to the hope of our children's future. If I accept defeat in this war on our beautiful earth, then I would just give up. Deny our daughter her future, and the Ideas of a promising future. What kind of life would that be for her, and the rest of the living things on this planet. I know in my heart if we the world wait till 2020, or 2050 to change our ways it will be too late. Do I have proof? Who really has proof when it comes to life? I may not know it all, or have all the facts. That's what your fingers and brain is for, we must use these to better understand things. That is what the computer is for, we must allow uneducated people lead the way, I don't mean people who have not been to college. But the people who have and have reached a political career. Been in the loop and should know better.


Why has politics been a tug of war? Why a party divide, I feel strongly that people allow greed to get the way of progress. I'm 31 years old and have been witness to most smokescreens and more important issues? War, disease, drugs, a blow job, and abortion! Thy are all good issues, minus the blow job! If Hillary was OK with it , then we should have moved on to bigger things.


When it comes to abortion, I feel it is a woman's choice, but feel adoption should be the choice in most cases. There are many people who would love to raise a child as their own, but don't have the option. I have had family who did abort the baby, and had I known that was the path, I would have tried my hardest to adopt the baby. As some of you know we just recently lost a child due to a miscarriage, and most likely will be forced to have it removed. Because nature and the pills can't remove all the remains, I can't understand how someone could do it to a healthy baby?


My point on the matter is if people are pro-life, then why can't most believe we need great change. The reality is when it comes to this planet, IT SUPPORTS ALL LIFE! There for all babies, all life!



(I know some of this entry is same old, same old! But I will not apologize for the reappearance)


Watching Republicans and Democrats pit against each other, makes my stomach sick. That is why years ago I chose not to be in a specific party, but support the lesser of two evils. I vote with my heart, brain, and soul! When a person shouts or blames others it only allows the rest of us to see that it easier to point a finger. Rather than do anything about it.


I watched and heard that the green jobs aren't going to create as many jobs that it will take? The truth of the matter is we will loose jobs and the planet if we don't change are ways! The truth is most plants and factories are dirty. There will always be the footprints of man, all over Mother Earth's face. As long as there is a separation of our species, by party and class. Greed and ignorance will rape our children's future.



Maybe we don't have all the facts or the knowledge of God, but for once I feel humanity is DEMANDS CHANGE! WE the people do give damn, and we have an Administration that cares.


We face many big challenges, and I don't deny we need to care about spending! I do care about humanity and it's survival! I do care about jobs and places like Michigan, we need it to build cars. I drive my Chevy Blazer with my favorite Environmental bumper sticker "The Earth does Not belong to us, we belong to the Earth" Chief Seattle


We need to gradually convert are transportation, so poor people like myself can afford a cleaner car. We need to use other methods for paper, instead of trees. We've had the means for over a century! We need to eliminate plastic bags, because when they are recycled it still creates pollution.


I often wonder if we can make a real difference? "Give a hoot, don't pollute" that owl had it half right! It then goes into land fills and poisons the earth! We try to avoid plastic spoons and forks, but then wash our dishes and cloths with detergents. We use water to clean our dishes and our selves, flush our wastes. Then going into the water, and some towns even reuse the waste water to drank.


I've worked for the state of Illinois a couple years ago, and witnessed abuse to the Earth. Toilet water breaks down by means of chemicals, then drain into our rivers. They placed cans for aluminum cans, but not paper. We were told to throw the cans in the dumpsters and that we would be fired if we took them?



We were told to throw our oil dry away in the woods and dumpsters! Oil dry is a product that absorbs the oil from parking lots, and it was the states job to collect it. They never did one time!



The water was toxic and I was told not to inform the public, but I did. I could not sit back and watch a mother mix her babies formula with it. They allowed my bosses to use poisons on state land, which caused some of our hawks to be poisoned. They ate the poisoned wildlife on the grounds. (We all belong to Earth's food chain)


These are a few examples of my great state of Illinois and its love for humanity. After I learned this, is caused me to wonder about other states? Has anyone ever traveled and noticed signs that read?


1. Don't drink the water.

2. Don't eat the fish.

3. Don't swim in this water.


Our fore fathers would be outraged to read these signs, and to know that this great country has helped destroy our natural resources.


In my short life, I've met political leaders. Some good some bad! I have met Robert Kennedy JR. and President Obama. I was honored to be one of a handful at our Town meeting to ask a question to our then State senator. My question was about politicians and our children's future in regards to environmental awareness. I think he answered it the best he could at the time and still wish to persuade all politicians to open their eyes. (I know some of you have been waiting for my Obama Entry, but I must admit it is in a big project that I have been carefully writing)


Talk is cheap, so society needs to work together in these sacrificial economic times! We need to take small steps for man and giant leaps for Earth's kind. We must remember that EVERY DAY IS EVERY DAY! We must try yo preserve Earth's Beauty at all costs and remind our leaders to do the same.



I wish to thank everybody who has left kind regards to my family and I!

We are strong and remain happy as we can be! I wish you all the best and want you to know that our lives have been accompanied by hugs, smiles, and laughs as well! I wish you all to be happy as you can be too! Please be patient, I will be back to reading your journals very soon. You are not forgotten, each and everyone of you have been in my heart!



Thanks for listening!



Peace&Love

Wes&Family

A Day That Stood Still

I wish to make this an entry from my aching heart, to convey my emotions right now. Not really certain on how to say it or how to start. For the first time in a long time I write for hope and help. I have always had the ability to help others, but never been consistent with myself. Only by way of writing, and I've held back on many things in the last year. Only a couple people know how much. I've dealt with my father's cancer, and until very recently I cried inside every one of those days. For now he has seemingly won the battle, I'll take it. Good news has always been better than bad news.

I type right now for a healing form of therapy! What I'm about to write, will be one of the toughest things I will ever write! My words will ramble, they will hurt my heart and soul! What I'm about to say stings like hot coals on my heart and flesh. My hope is to take this entry and turn into a beautiful song, that will reach the heavens.


I don't wish to forget our memory, or our life's lesson. I wish to honor the importance, the love for family, and (our unborn) child.


For the last few months we have had the chance to prepare for another child. That statement alone allows me to acknowledge how lucky we are. (Another Child)

I've known many great couples who wish to be parents naturally. To share love and to blessed by a living being, to feel life beat inside of life.


I'm a man who is fertile, who could never feel that joy inside either. To feel the pain that is felt during birth, nor feel the pain of having an unborn child inside me! I never really thought this could happen to us, I knew it could. But never imagined it would happen, I feel really sorry that Lisa has to carry that pain inside her right now! Still I feel the pain and new found emotions. A pain that effects 25% of all women who become pregnant. I feel the emptiness, our lifeless child when I hold and hug her.


One month you see the healthy heart of child beating on a screen. You pick up the sonogram photo countless times and smile with your loved ones. Then your next visit, you take one look and see no movement! No beating heart and the tears of your wife streaming. When just seconds before they were beaming with promise of a new life. Our future was uncertain, now the present is certain, and your heart stops.


The shock blankets your pain, and anger overtakes your joy. Without anybody to be angry at, the shock causes the mind to be in denial. The pain sticks inside like cotton candy in an infected cavity. The Doctor said it "I'm sorry, it's not antibody's fault!" "I'm sorry!" The majority of what was said is a blur. I held my wife's hand as I held MJ, holding back my own tears. I know I wouldn't want the job of the nurses and doctors who deal with things like this there.


MJ and Lisa went to the rest room, as I sit silent in the room. Later on that evening, Lisa told me cried in the restroom. And that MJ said " I love you Mommy, it's OK mommy!" She just turned 2 and doesn't know what is going on. I believe children pick up on emotions and that the soul is wiser than any body. When she told me that, it made us both smile.


I will say that the sadness and bad feelings can blanket the soul like a lingering fog. But sharing this with the one's you love will guide you. (Like a Light House, allowing the ships to come to in) one day?


The sun will shine for brief moments, then here comes the fog again! We will we be OK, we will hold our hands tightly together. I've noticed time is like the clouds, fast and slow. Few and far. With highs and lows.


Life is like the sky as well, Rain or shine. The stars, sun, the moon, they will be here tomorrow. So, we must remain true to our path, and our love. We must be true to our emotions and our family now! Only time will tell.

I FEEL PAIN IN OUR LOSS BUT JOY IN OUR GAINS!

"We must take care of the living!" I've never understood the true meaning until now. I feel for Lisa, because we had no sign. She carries the burden of our loss around with her literally. Her body grows like it is still pregnant, and I want to be with her. To help her emotionally and in any way I can.
We have three options:
1.Wait and See!
2. Take a pill.
3. Surgery.

Dear Sweet Child:

You arrived by way of love.
Discovered by bloat and a tester.
You grow daily, and change with each beat of your heart.
I've stared at your photograph seemingly forever.
We wait with open arms
We welcome you to our family.
Your soul is sweet and beautiful.
Take all the time you need little bean of a child.
We will wait patiently to hold you and kiss you.
When you see the light of this world,
one thing will always be true.
We will always love you!

I wrote this some time back for our child Maggie or Henry? We will never know! But can tell you we always love them and our thankful for our blessings. That we our saddened by the way life is sometimes. How warm the tears are that spill down my cheeks, and how fear can render the body weak.

That the next chapter in life is uncertain, yet the most important things in my life is certain. I know without doubt I will love Lisa and MJ forever! I know together we will stay on out paths in this life and will be a beautiful family. A family who will grow together no matter our future.

After all the eulogies I have given and caskets I've carried. Life has found another way to teach me what it is worth and to remind me of the equation to life. The answer that some of the greatest minds have tried to solve on their deathbeds. The Answer: Is to simply LIVE!

Since I struggle to find a way to end this entry, perhaps from denial. Maybe I'm struggling to fully except reality? I will say thank you for listening! I would also like to say BLESS YOU TO YOU AND YOU FAMILIES!

Happy Bunny Day!

Peace&Love
Wes&Family

It's Your Call

" We have the whole wide world in our hands"

Last night was Earth Hour and my family took part in it. We spend some quality time together by candlelight. I wish more people would do this on a regular basis, because you can really connect with loved ones. (Or yourself by reading a good book or some much needed meditation)

Back to last night, while Lisa relaxed watching "The State" a TV show that was on MTV in the 1990's. It only lasted a couple years, it had a very funny cast! They all went on to do many things, the one that most people know is "Reno 911". (New shows will be on Comedy Central Soon)

She watched by way of my laptop, which was ran on a battery. So, we stuck to our guns and turned off all the lights and didn't turn anything on!

I attempted to read "A Modern Anthology of Modern Poetry" 1938 edition. It has some wonderful works by some of the greatest writers of that time. (Sandburg, Yeats, frost, Masters, Cummings, Eliot, and many others.)

You noticed I said "Attempted"! MJ was fine at first, but wanted to play with the candles. She wanted to hold the book, when I say hold I mean play with it! She just turned 2, I cut her lots of slack. I did manage to get through several pages of the book. I watched her play with toys, and wondered how kids did without electricity? People for that matter!

Can you imagine the kids today doing without their game systems or any thing else that requires power? Today most things rely on batteries, so it wouldn't be too bad for them. How about society in general, would it cope well living like our ancestors of the past?

I myself have gotten used to my microwave and gas stove. I still listen to my (record player) and occasionally watch TV. I'm a very modern person, who likes his shower Hot! I understand that we have methods for centuries, in which we cook, bath, and communicate.
That doesn't mean I can't like modern ways.

How about means of transportation, we have our cars. Back then it was animals for motors and our two feet. We've all heard a relative tell the tale "When I was your age" (Here's where you fill in the blanks with a story you've heard.)

Has anyone noticed that it's easier to find a used condom on the sidewalk, then a Payphone these days? I mean what does that tell you about the world?

Is that a cell phone in your pocket are you just happy to see me?
A world without payphones could be bad, because some cell phones say "No Service" Then what? Your SOL!

Kids today have a cellphone, Ipod, laptop, and a car! They have these things while they are in school and have no job? I had to walk everywhere, listen to the radio, work for what I had, and find a pay phone. (A Pay phone was away to talk dirty)

You could find it sticky and greased up, from someones hands, mouth, and ears. Sometimes find it with a cut cord, or even better with gum on the earpiece.

The good old days, when had our Walkmans. We had to walk to the library and find information. (No google) Listen to our local radio stations and stand in line for hours for concert tickets. Sometimes overnight and brave the weather.

Today is a different way of life, a life filled with Credit Cards and convenience.

We are so accustomed to the way life is currently designed, and for the most part can't complain. Some of the things I mentioned, I truly enjoy! Still I appreciate an easier way of life and cherish good inventions.

Which brings me back to Earth Hour, we don't have to give up our luxuries! There is no need to travel back into the Olden days, we can simply live greener lives. There are technologies that can give us clean power and help our economy. We can live healthier lives while expanding our growth in technology and peaceful relations with each other. We could become less dependant on Old Ideas and other countries. We can lead the way for change and prosperity!

http://www.earthpolicy.org/

I found it interesting that Lester R Brown's birthday was on March 28, the same night as Earth Hour.

For those of you who don't know who he is, check out the above site for that reason.
Just simply get on the computer and type anything to do with the Environment and I know you will find something to your liking? It is a big world we share and we all have to care about something.

I don't wish to tell people what to do, only ask you to at least look at the facts. To simply take a look at our options and find the truths in your heart.

Without a world, there would be no life.
Without life, there would be no other issue!

We must work together to find answers and help raise awareness concerning OUR planet.

We must ACT NOW!

Peace&Love
Wes

Fear & Loathing Contraceptives

Malayna Jane's Birthday was the other day and went it well! Our baby turned 2 and it caused me to think of her birth. It brought me many memories and stirred many emotions in my heart and soul. It replayed countless moments in my mind, mostly good ones. It reminded me of the day we found out about her.

My heart smiles when I look at her and her mother. I think of that stormy day in March, when she was born. It was at 11:20 am and she weighed 8 pounds & three ounces.

I can remember saying to my wife and family right after birth, that I can't wait to have another one! GOOD THING LISA COULD"T REACH ME and she really didn't hear me! Rookie mistake, I won't say that this time, out loud any ways. In my defense I was caught up in the moment!


If you noticed the picture above his entry, it was a couple days after MJ was born. Enjoy it while it's here. Smile at my attempt to grow my "Earl" mustache. Lisa's not thrilled I put that picture up, she says she looks tired and ugly. I think they both look beautiful and I wouldn't change a thing, maybe I would have shaved my mustache off.


I would like to share some history about our lives, and will try my best not ramble. For those of you who have read my entries I have a habit of jumping around and will try my best not to confuse you.


It was our second trip to Ontario and we were excited! Our last trip we made to my Moms I was sick with a bad case of bronchitis, and got a mystery skin rash on my face? I had it for most of the trip and I looked severely disfigured. It went away when I got home and have no trace of it left, like it never happened? Before we go into the border we stopped at a Diner and we ordered coffee and I got pie. About half way through I discovered some curly hair in the cream? It got stuck in my throat like a familiar scratch. I mentioned to my company, then to the waitress. I said I wanted pie, not hair pie. We all got a big laugh out of it and free coffee.


I have found worse things in my food during my traveling years. Things that I would have won a million dollars for on Fear Factor. That chapter will be called "What the **** is in my dish?"

What I don't understand is when they ask if I want another one? No thanks, I'm good! My stomach going hurt bad enough!

We reached the border with relief and thought we would be at my moms soon. It all seemed simple enough, we would give our identification, and be off. They told us to pull over up ahead and come inside! We did what was asked and we were told us we could wait there until the immigration officer arrived.


To make this long story short we waited for a few hours, my mom almost falling off the chair asleep, my wife tired as well. We decided to go back to the casino and wait. We spent some money and I broke even, we were passing time. The two slept in the car, while I roamed the casino with my notebook and pen.


I was feeling a bit Gonzo, due to my lack of sleep. I could almost hear Hunter's voice telling me something I could not understand. I was mumbling strange things to myself and felt completely worn out.


It was then when I came to room with free coffee and some comfy chairs, so I decided to sit. There was a older man with white hair sitting quietly, reading a newspaper. He spoke to me, "You look tired and worried." I mention our situation and he told me it has happened to many other's. That I had no worries.


We talked for some time and I discovered he was the owner of the Casino, and he mentioned that we were welcome to some rooms for a few hours. "On the house!" I told him we only had another hour or so to return to the border, but thank you kindly. We did get free breakfast though, he was a rare kind of man.


Our return the border was interesting, I had to be interviewed by officers. Asked several questions, and was asked to go into a room alone with a female officer. She told my family that she needed to be alone with me. We entered a room with a cot, and a chair. She basically flirted with me, and asked a couple questions about myself, then my marriage. "Are you in a happy marriage, or just a marriage?"


(The sound of porno music was ringing in my head) "Chicchaa wamp wammp chichaa waaa"


I stayed calm and conveyed my feelings about my wonderful wife and said I just wanted to visit my mom at her house in Canada. That I always wanted to see the beauty of the country and to just relax.


Winked at her with a smile, and said "If I was single and not in love. I would take you up on your interest in me!" She smiled, then released me and allowed us to enter Canada.


That was the last trip and the second one was much easier! We basically passed right through and made good time. I think it was due to my niece Cassie and my sister Melissa taking this trip with us. We seemed more like family and was in a mini van, plus my Mom didn't hand them a gun card for identification by accident this time!


The sunrise was beautiful, filled with bright hue. A sky filled red, orange, yellow, gold,pink, and light blue. We rested up awhile when we arrived and had a good brunch. My Mom is the best old fashioned cook I know, she can make anything from scratch! Her Italian beef is the best I've ever had, once a month I ponder driving 13 hours to taste her cooking! One of these times I just might do it, or I can just wait for her to come back?


Back to the trip, we had a good day, but Lisa was sick. She was loosing wait and vomiting? Another day passed, we were wondering if she ate something bad on the way. Finally we convinced her to go to the hospital. She was down to 100 hundred pounds, and couldn't keep any food down. After a few hours we talked to the doctor about her results, he was acting strange!


He asked me to leave the room, that he needed to talk to Lisa. It was brief, he called us back in. The doctor says, "Congrats, you guys are going to be parents, Aye! But the baby might be outside the uterus, and we might have to remove it?"


We were shocked, happy, then sad! What kind of Doctor says it that way? I mean it was like telling a organ patient "We got your organs you needed, but we might not be able to give them to you!" I was so filled with emotions, I wanted to put him in his place, or the floor!


We waited many hours and she had to hold her pee. Time passed and she asked me to go to my Moms and wait till morning. She wanted go to sleep, I fought for a brief moment, and respected her wishes. It was the longest morning I ever knew, I almost lost my wife, and now our first kid! I prayed like I never prayed before. I cried like I never did before and offered my own life for both of theirs. I was going crazy with worry, until my family calmed me down some.


The morning sun took it's sweat @** time, but it was time for me to go back to the hospital. I hurried my way to her room, but they had moved her. I didn't take me too long to locate my beautiful wife and child. Lisa still hadn't urinated yet, if it was me I would have gone in the bed.


More time passed and they took her to oncology and told me to wait outside. My mind was filled with complete fear, for I knew what oncology meant. I wanted to break down the door, but then what? She was in good hands and if it was cancer, was I supposed to heal her disease.


They came out of the room and I calmly asked her what was going on. She was smiling, and showed me a sonogram. "The heartbeat was strong, and the baby is the size of a bean." I was told everything is fine, she was hydrated now, and the baby is fine. My heart was smiling and I could finally breath. This is the shorter and cleaned up version of our first notice of our little MJ.


(My Stepfather collapsed and passed out during this visit. We had to keep him alive until the ambulance came.) It was a trip that changed all our lives forever!


If you want read the full story, it will be in my memoirs. The title will be called, "Fear & Then Scared Shit less" :)


We had been together since 1999 and only wore a condom twice in almost 8 years. Then we take our trip and discover a pregnancy, we thought one of us had fertility problems?


The baby was conceived with both our cars were in the shop, we were forced to stay home for a while. I can remember we didn't watch a lot of TV or read any books. Cum to think of it we spent most of our time doing exercises.


The odd thing about it all, was a couple weeks before I had a dream my deceased brother Don handed me a baby! Then the night before the trip, Lisa had a little bloating look. She said "I'm crapping and look a little bloated." I kissed her lips and then her belly, saying "Good night Lisa and good night little baby, Sleep good you two!"


Life is funny in a good maddening way sometimes! We live our life a certain way, almost care free. Then it can envelope you in a joyful fear, and give you a blessed happiness. We were scared, like we our now! We have another child on the way, and feel unprepared. The difference between the two is our experience and new found family. I've heard from many people "You can never really afford a kid, so just enjoy the moments!" The advice is true, but I plan to give it 200% this time. We are nervously happy for our family and welcome another member. May life allow my family be blessed with good fortune and well health.


May life be kind and filled with love for all of you as well! May life hold all the needed doors open for everyone of you! Thank you for reading this entry and have a great week!


Good news! My father was told today his cancer is in remission!


I will try to put some more pictures up, or write a good entry about Malayan's Birthday.


Peace&Love
Wes&Family

The Day Did Not Go off Without A Hitch

March 18, 2000

We woke up to an ice storm and guest were driving over an hour to Washington Park. A beautiful little park in Springfield, Illinois, it has a variety of trees. Some older ones dating back to President Lincoln, and a fair share of wildlife. Considering it's in the middle of the city and has high traffic of humans, even in bad weather. Speaking of weather I must get back to our wedding day, we woke to large amounts of ice on the car and roads. Most of the guests were in the ages of 70 and 80 rage, my Grandfather included. I called my relatives to see if they still wanted to attend and agreed that the weather was too bad.

My Mom was late and we were supposed to begin the ceremony, so we stalled the small group. I can't forget to mention how magnificent Lisa looked, she wore a beautiful dark blue dress with flowers on it. Blue? (I'm slightly colored blind, so I will say Royal blue?)It fit her perfectly, and it complimented her bright blue eyes. She held a bouquet of daisy's that she made the night before, and wore her wonderful smile.

I wore a borrowed suit that was slightly too big, and a fresh haircut. A haircut that our gay barber Steven, cut way too short. I watched the video this morning and thought to myself, "It wasn't that bad, but damn how young I look!" We were in our very early twenties! Father time does paint our bodies with his brush and has a tendency put it on thick for some of us. My wife is very lucky she looks more beautiful then she did we met and on our wedding day. She ages like a fine wine, or a classic car that has kept it's original paint. She never believes statements like this, but to me it is true.

We were very lucky my father rented an a back up place, in case the weather was terrible. A wonderful pavilion with good space and good lighting. Use of a kitchen and had a big fireplace, where we stood to get married. We were relieved but a little disappointed, because we had picked a large gazebo by the lagoon. It had an excellent echo effect, where I still love to take MJ to sing and goof off. (We have fun! FUN.....Fun.......fun.....)

I will spare you of most of the details and decided not to show the video for the same reason. I would like to mention that we originally chose September 30, but decided during tax time we should just elope. While we had some extra cash, we would go down to Carbondale, Illinois, and get married at the Garden Of The Gods. A beautiful spot in Shawnee National Forrest, and we would honeymoon in Elizabeth town by the rivers near Kentucky and Illinois border. Stay in a Bed and Breakfast and just enjoy each others company, and maybe go to some vineyards. I had hoped to go see The Cave In Rock, it was where they film some of "How the West Was One" and was used in the manner the movie depicted during the Pioneer days.

Back to my point, our tax returns were lost and the wedding was very soon. (A little piece of advice, don't call an IRS agent a Dick! Even if their first name is Dick, and don't repeat it a handful of times sarcastically) In my defense we had been calling for a couple weeks and with no avail. We couldn't get a straight answer! We found out that we couldn't get a Preacher or anyone else to go to the Garden of the Gods. After calling over 50 people, they all said we had to take mandatory wedding classes. We were going to get married on St. Patrick's Day, but it was on a Friday and we didn't want a judge. We lucked out and was able to get one of my Uncles friends to marry us, but we had to meet with him for a visit first.

He came over to Moms house and met with us. It was all going well. Until he handed us his Bible, he told us to feel the indention's all over it. He told us they were from people biting on it when he released demons. OK, that we didn't expect! But we wanted to get married, the sooner the better, so we chose him anyway.

The closer it got to the day, the worse we felt about not inviting the family, especially the elders. Naturally, we broke down and purchased some invitations for a handful of guest. Then told people we are getting married with or without you. Here is the date, please show up if you wish to. I had already asked Lisa's parents months in advance, I don't think they thought I was serious at the time.

After we said I do, and kissed our kiss. We cut the cake and did some of the traditional stuff. We danced to our song "A kiss to build a dream on", we had a great time with kids. Enjoyed my dads disco dance moves and had made our toast with a glass of wine. (Her family is deeply religious, I mean judgemental) They made comments and used the word alcoholic during the toast, it was a glass of wine to celebrate the day. Like I said I would try to spare you of the details, and please don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining or downing the day, if anything sugar coating the truth.

If anyone wants to read the whole truth an nothing but the truth, then read it in my memoirs. That Chapter will be called: Honey the knife is for the Wedding Cake. :)

We made the best of the day and the weekend for the matter. My advice to anyone who wants the big wedding or have family present, make sure its the ones you love the most, or the ones who love you in return. Invite who you want, do what you want, but make sure you get good gifts. Ha Ha

The day was not what you envision as a child or see in the movies, but It was at the time the proudest moment of my life. It is still in my top 3 and I would do it all over again! I can still feel the love I had for her on that special day and the love I feel for her with every beat of my heart. Lisa is a very amazing woman and an important part of my life. She is like hitting the lottery in my life, only the odds of finding another Lisa are even harder. With MJ, Lisa, and Baby #3 on the way I feel like the luckiest guy around! I just wish that life would get easier for us and we can start living the Better rather than worse. Most of society knows what it is that I'm talking about.

I would like to take the time to thank my wife for 9 years of marriage and the love I have received. The lessons we have shared and the love we have discovered together. I wish to thank her for everything she does for our family. I would also like to say that things are seemingly hard right now, but we will get through life together as a loving family. We will endure life's challenges and grow into stronger and more loving people because of it. Life is what it is sometimes and together we can achieve all the things we want in life, or at least receive the things we will have needed the most!

Here are some words or phrases that only she will know:
"A coke and a smoke"
"I know what you like"
"I feel Good"
"Nervous in the service"
"Wild thing"
"Bit it"
"You taunter"
"Keep em coming Gleep glop"
"Why God Why"
"Things like that there"
"The Bubbles, the bubbles"
The Jolly Red Pig
"No sex in the champagne room"
"Try head first next time"
"Niters"
"Just your feet now, Just your feet now"

Lisa, Thank you and Happy Anniversary!

Thank you all for stopping by and reading this entry and have a good day!

Peace&Love
Wes& Family