I wish to make this an entry from my aching heart, to convey my emotions right now. Not really certain on how to say it or how to start. For the first time in a long time I write for hope and help. I have always had the ability to help others, but never been consistent with myself. Only by way of writing, and I've held back on many things in the last year. Only a couple people know how much. I've dealt with my father's cancer, and until very recently I cried inside every one of those days. For now he has seemingly won the battle, I'll take it. Good news has always been better than bad news.
I type right now for a healing form of therapy! What I'm about to write, will be one of the toughest things I will ever write! My words will ramble, they will hurt my heart and soul! What I'm about to say stings like hot coals on my heart and flesh. My hope is to take this entry and turn into a beautiful song, that will reach the heavens.
I don't wish to forget our memory, or our life's lesson. I wish to honor the importance, the love for family, and (our unborn) child.
For the last few months we have had the chance to prepare for another child. That statement alone allows me to acknowledge how lucky we are. (Another Child)
I've known many great couples who wish to be parents naturally. To share love and to blessed by a living being, to feel life beat inside of life.
I'm a man who is fertile, who could never feel that joy inside either. To feel the pain that is felt during birth, nor feel the pain of having an unborn child inside me! I never really thought this could happen to us, I knew it could. But never imagined it would happen, I feel really sorry that Lisa has to carry that pain inside her right now! Still I feel the pain and new found emotions. A pain that effects 25% of all women who become pregnant. I feel the emptiness, our lifeless child when I hold and hug her.
One month you see the healthy heart of child beating on a screen. You pick up the sonogram photo countless times and smile with your loved ones. Then your next visit, you take one look and see no movement! No beating heart and the tears of your wife streaming. When just seconds before they were beaming with promise of a new life. Our future was uncertain, now the present is certain, and your heart stops.
The shock blankets your pain, and anger overtakes your joy. Without anybody to be angry at, the shock causes the mind to be in denial. The pain sticks inside like cotton candy in an infected cavity. The Doctor said it "I'm sorry, it's not antibody's fault!" "I'm sorry!" The majority of what was said is a blur. I held my wife's hand as I held MJ, holding back my own tears. I know I wouldn't want the job of the nurses and doctors who deal with things like this there.
MJ and Lisa went to the rest room, as I sit silent in the room. Later on that evening, Lisa told me cried in the restroom. And that MJ said " I love you Mommy, it's OK mommy!" She just turned 2 and doesn't know what is going on. I believe children pick up on emotions and that the soul is wiser than any body. When she told me that, it made us both smile.
I will say that the sadness and bad feelings can blanket the soul like a lingering fog. But sharing this with the one's you love will guide you. (Like a Light House, allowing the ships to come to in) one day?
The sun will shine for brief moments, then here comes the fog again! We will we be OK, we will hold our hands tightly together. I've noticed time is like the clouds, fast and slow. Few and far. With highs and lows.
Life is like the sky as well, Rain or shine. The stars, sun, the moon, they will be here tomorrow. So, we must remain true to our path, and our love. We must be true to our emotions and our family now! Only time will tell.
I FEEL PAIN IN OUR LOSS BUT JOY IN OUR GAINS!
"We must take care of the living!" I've never understood the true meaning until now. I feel for Lisa, because we had no sign. She carries the burden of our loss around with her literally. Her body grows like it is still pregnant, and I want to be with her. To help her emotionally and in any way I can.
We have three options:
1.Wait and See!
2. Take a pill.
Dear Sweet Child:
You arrived by way of love.
Discovered by bloat and a tester.
You grow daily, and change with each beat of your heart.
I've stared at your photograph seemingly forever.
We wait with open arms
We welcome you to our family.
Your soul is sweet and beautiful.
Take all the time you need little bean of a child.
We will wait patiently to hold you and kiss you.
When you see the light of this world,
one thing will always be true.
We will always love you!
I wrote this some time back for our child Maggie or Henry? We will never know! But can tell you we always love them and our thankful for our blessings. That we our saddened by the way life is sometimes. How warm the tears are that spill down my cheeks, and how fear can render the body weak.
That the next chapter in life is uncertain, yet the most important things in my life is certain. I know without doubt I will love Lisa and MJ forever! I know together we will stay on out paths in this life and will be a beautiful family. A family who will grow together no matter our future.
After all the eulogies I have given and caskets I've carried. Life has found another way to teach me what it is worth and to remind me of the equation to life. The answer that some of the greatest minds have tried to solve on their deathbeds. The Answer: Is to simply LIVE!
Since I struggle to find a way to end this entry, perhaps from denial. Maybe I'm struggling to fully except reality? I will say thank you for listening! I would also like to say BLESS YOU TO YOU AND YOU FAMILIES!
Happy Bunny Day!