I have been up thinking about my past and all the Ghosts I called friends. Stuck on my own mistakes, if I could of? If I would have? If had done this different?
I was young and too confident that life would go my way, despite the way the needle on my life's compass pointed.
Why am I in this frame of mind anyways? I'm not like this ordinarily, but have struggled with this human flaw throughout my life! It could be because I was a fool in my past, and a unintentional jester in life.
The problem is I'm sometimes the wall to my own success, every now and then I break the wall. Only to find myself surrounded by many walls, boxed in with human emotions.
Sometimes my best effort is like a runner breaking the wall, only to find cool shade to sit and think. To catch my breath, and continue running seemingly nowhere.
Man, even with much purpose can be blinded by confidence, fear and doubt can stop one in their tracks. It is my belief that we must first clearly see our paths, before we can continue the race.
Enough already with my ancient Wes wisdom! I'm 31 years old and still use my words to hide behind, when the truth kicks me in the keaster. I can soup it up, dish it out, but sometimes can't digest reality.
I will be honest, when I write my thoughts they come naturally. Lately I've struggled to complete sentences in conversations with people. Feeling as if I don't have much to say, when in fact my soul never shuts up. My mind never shuts off! My fingers deny me from my blog, my mind is Swiss cheese!
Then my soul screams to let it out, to shout at the world. Only to find that no one is there to listen, yet it screams? Throughout my life there has always been a group of people who cared to listen.
Others that I could listen to and to be of assistance sometimes. Other's so that I could be a gentle clown and to lift their spirits.
For some time now, I've found it difficult to laugh. Sometimes impossible to smile, and make others laugh. Growing up I might have gone out of my way to make people like me. As I matured I realized I enjoyed allowing others to like themselves. I will forever feel a calling to do so, the hard part is helping those you love the most.
With each tap on my computer pad I find it harder to type. I had no desire to enter my own site, but heard my screams whisper to write.
I want to read your entries, to see if life has been kind to you all. To hear about every joyous moment, and every damn detail of the day. To be strong enough to help you when you feel like me.
Being human is complicated as hell most of the time isn't! We must get out of bed no matter what. Even if it is to just go to the bathroom, or force yourself to eat. I feel lucky in life to have a handful of loved one's in my life.
I've discovered this place I call the web, in which sometimes you find friends. You find people who really read your words, no matter if it's fun or even interesting. People who really listen to you speak and sometimes they stop by for a visit. I feel blessed to have the chance to connect with you, no matter if it was a couple times or every time.
I thank you all!
I know my entries can be long and appreciate your curtius patience and warm words. I love the love and your utter honesty!
So, to be honest to my soul I will write what's on my mind.
My wife Lisa and I went to the Hospital today. We had to use our last option, she had to get a D&C. We could not deal through it naturally and the pills didn't work twice. After weeks of waiting and bleeding we had no choice. They thought it could have been a Partial Molar, and so far so good! The surgery went well and she is home tonight. We have been loving Malayna and each other throughout the night. We've discussed the way Life is the way it has been for us and I realized that even though I've handled it well. It is very hard for me to keep trying to comfort Lisa and to keep lying to my heart.
Since we lost lost our forming child, I realized that many people have had gone through this. Many a couple times before they had a child, and that 20 to 25% of parents have miscarriages. That number is pretty high and it makes me think about all the people affected by this. I want to hug them all!
I look and our daughter with pure love and realize how amazing she is. How she is our blessing, our miracle. When we first heard about her the Doctor told us that she may not be in the uterus.
I look at the amazing wife I share life with and know in my soul she is my miracle! Before her I was lost and unloved by a significant other. She entered my life when I was at my hearts emotional lowest.
I had lost my only Brother and Best friend Don, dealing with a grieving family. Being the glue that held our glass house together. I was dumped by my girlfriend at the time and dealing with my parents.
I was the first to Identify the body, so my parents didn't have to! I just turned 21 a month before and then suddenly became th oldest child and only son.
I will never forget the funeral, my parents crying on the floor. My saddened sister and his wife and my 11 month old niece Emily.
The Guy who handed my Brother the keys to the truck, after he had been drinking earlier in the evening. He reached out with his hand to say he was sorry, and I shook it.
I gave a Eulogy that people said was the greatest thing they ever heard! If it was so great then how come I can't remember what I said?
I was a Ball bearer and have been to many funerals. I have been asked to speak at several and sometimes expected. I don't mind helping others cope with death and live to help those in need. If only I could help myself sometimes, the good thing is I DO when it matters most.
I bring this up for many reasons, mainly to remind myself how strength has been stronger than sadness when dealing with death. To acknowledge that my Parents and I now have something more in common, my Mom had one after my Sister was born. My father had two in a previous marriage and lost two other children in a car accident as well. His total of children lost is 6! I love my Father and again bring this up for strength, he is a strong man. I wish we could really talk like we used to, but he is still recovering from his cancer.
My brothers Birthday is May 14 an this the time of the year we went Morel mushroom hunting with my family. Most of the time my Father, brother , and I would find many pounds together.I love it and still go by myself! I have found a few already and will go out tomorrow and get some more for my family. If I'm able I will take Emily this weekend? Still, I think the idea is great. No matter the weather the next few days I will go out, because there is only about a good week left in the season. (depending on the weather?)
If things go well, I will have great entry about it! But my pictures will be on Face book.
Malayna Jane is growing so fast and helps our hearts feel love! We will take her to the park to play this weekend. Maybe go to the Drive In to see a couple movies, just get out and enjoy this beautiful spring.
GO BULLS!
We have been hooked on the NBA Playoffs, like every year! The best part about it is, even though the refs are swine we go to Game Seven tonight! The last game was awesome and the series has been one of the best in years!
I thank you for stopping by and wish you all a wonderful weekend!
Thanks for Listening!
Peace&Love
Wes Ackerman & Family
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6 comments:
I've often found the things we have running amok around in our minds are best left written out such as this form. I know the desire to 'tell' people face to face much of what you've written here always remain, but usually people have a hard time listening. Writing, is my level of release, as it seems, is yours.
I'm sorry to read about the little one that is gone and of your brother. I myself have lost many little ones before I had the chance to even feel them inside me. People always said, "they weren't meant to be" but, they were there, for me, very much. And time does not make me forget them either.
Enjoy your little Malayna, my sweet daughters that did make it always made me feel better through their love.
Take care now, and know I'm thinking of you~
Rebecca
I know my entries can be long and appreciate your curtius patience and warm words. I love the love and your utter honesty!
I liked this line. I don't care that you put in long entries. I don't keep up like I once did, because of the way it works on blogger, but that is okay.
You like the NBA playoffs ... but the HOCKEY playoffs ALWAYS have this kind of passion. The Bulls -Celtics series has been great, but that has happened a couple of times already in the NHL first round ... with the two brightest lights playing each other in the next round, it is only going to get more intense.
There several things that we have in common, but the strength of your Father!! I would advise you to sit down and write out what you want to know or ask your Dad, and DO THAT!! There are a couple of things I'd ask my Mom, if I could. Life has went on without the answers, but still, I think you may want to know.
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes when all the things are swirling around in your head, you just let them swirl around until they come out.
31 ... keep living your life, and I am glad that you have found your teammate. Y'all do look good together!!
As a fellow clown at heart, know that that is part of you core, and it will be there, ready to make others laugh again soon enough, with the emphasis on soon. That part of us can never be surpressed.
The loss of loved ones is tough, even those that we never met, and know that you are in my thoughts.
Peace to you friend :o)
I know this is a tough time of year for you, Wes, as you remember your brother. I remember last year when this rolled around. I wish you strength, and know that you'll soon regain your ability to laugh, and your urge to make others laugh.
Hugs, Beth
At 31 you are probably facing all the confusions that you are supposed to. They all sound familiar to me. Your sense of humor will return, it hasn't gone any place.
Last year, with the loss of both my brother and my sister, I became the last remaining member of my family. I'm not sure what that means. At my age I should be the patriarch, but one can't do that without a family and there are no other people around who particularly care what I think. The bright side is that there is no one else for me to grieve over if they go.
So hold on to what you've got and don't worry about being confused. That's life, as you said. DB
You dropped by my blog recently and commented on my most recent entry, and I'm so glad you did. I really liked this entry. You really put your heart out there. I'm so very sorry for what you guys are going through. I understand as best I can for someone who has not had to go through it. I'm so glad you have your little Malayna to brighten your days! Please take care!
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