I try to stop thinking about all the things that are bothering me, but can't! I try to think of something funny to say, but keep thinking about reality. Life can be very challenging, and full of surprises. We can go to bed with a smile to wake up with a frown, and one moment be on top of the world, only to be knocked down. One thing is constant, I will keep positive about life's plan.
I know that other people have bigger fish to fry than myself, and know I'm not a victim, rather a student in these lessons of life. I have to keep my mind focused on my spiritual growth, and the love I have for others. I can remember in my youth, I was certain that I would be very successful at this point in my life. I was certain I could save those who needed saving, and lead all the people in my life to calm waters. When we are young, we think that we can conquer anything that stands in our way. I read other peoples entries, and see that whatever happened in life, they have strength from their experiences, and a place to call home.
I was and am a dreamer, I still cling to Ideas that I will be something great! That I will be able to help others for a living, whatever that might be? I have always done better helping other people, before myself. In past jobs, and walking down the street people have came up to me for advice. A few times total strangers have shared a small part of life, and looked to me for advice. I would tell them, I don't know you or your life story, but think that you should follow your heart. I will listen to what the problem is, and put my two cents in, but ask myself Why Me? Not that I don't want to, or don't like to help. It scares me that it happens so often , it is like a moth going to a bright flame. I only wish is I did in fact help them, and they were able to feel their good soul inside, like I do when I help them!
Right now my heart is aching, and my mind is uncertain. My soul screams to help people, but whispers to my heart, to help myself first. It is hard for me to get out of bed theses days, because I don't have a sure path. I know I love my family, and myself! I do know that if I could find a career that lets me help others, and make descent money. I could discover my inner peace, and be where I want to be in this troubled world. If money didn't exist, I could be more clear minded. Unfortunately it does, and so do bills. Now that I'm 31 yrs. Old, and have a family I have to think about financial security. I have been trying to do that for a few years now, and seemed to have chosen the wrong jobs. It has never failed, I get the short end of the stick when it comes to keeping that security.
I will not go into great details on the jobs I have had, but say that in some I helped Mentally and Physically challenged people. I loved that job, but realized that the people in charge didn't care about others like I did! I have worked with animals, and found that the powers that be would rather kill than heal. I have worked with churches on distributing food, and the main focus was being selective on who would receive help. I have worked at places like Goodwill, and discovered that items would be placed aside for the bosses, and what was left would be priced too high! I worked at a nursing home as a janitor, and witnessed neglect and abuse. In one occasion, a man was standing with his pants all the way down, begging me to pull them up, before a guided tour would see him. I assisted him , before they could see, and the bad thing was the Director was with them. In this example, the man's son was an assistant coach for the New Orleans Saints at the time. You got to figure he made good money, but placed his father in a home?
Don't get me wrong, I loved the people in all these jobs , but could not stomach the neglect, and could not keep quiet. Resulting in unpleasant departures, and people told me to do my job, and keep quiet. People in my family looked at me with disappointment, rather than pride. I don't regret the ways I handled myself, and would do it all over again. I would just deal with it better, and would have found a way to hold those accountable for their actions. I have discovered people like to sweep things under a rug, or pretend that all is good , when it's not!
I have worked on other jobs where safety was supposed to be number one! When in fact it was the opposite, we did not have the proper equipment, or training. I know this happens all the time, and most people will continue to do the jobs asked. I have been guilty of this too, but have stood up for the other workers, even if they didn't want me to. I can recall a time that we were supposed to go into a tank, and have respirators. It was almost lunch time, so I stated to my coworkers "Lets go have an early lunch, and wait till we get our safety equipment" We started to leave when the "Boss told all of us, if we went to lunch we would not have a job to go back to! Go ahead and take lunch Wes, but don't come back" The rest of the workers went back work, and I went to lunch. I wasn't fired for it, but lost respect for my coworkers, and my job!
I know that there are good jobs out there, and I will find one, but without school? I know that if I want to I can still help others without payment, but have to think of my family. I will still help others, but do it like I always have for free! I lack the proper qualifications to land an amazing job helping others, but would like nothing more than to devote my life to helping people, or animals!
I have said enough about that, probably too much! I don't ask for hand outs, and have never owned a credit card. I have not tried to take more than my own fill, and have followed the belief "If I don't have the money, I don't get it!" Sometimes I have splurged on things like movies, or a CD, when I should have saved it. I'm far from perfect, and know that I could have realized the truth about myself a lot faster! I could have helped myself before I helped others, but still feel good, no matter my place in life. I know that my life was designed, and have slowly accepted my path. I have grown from my mistakes, and from my choices! I have gained information from the school of life, and have graduated on so many levels. I have become stronger than I was as a teenager, and wiser than one too.
I look at our daughter and see I need to locate my path as soon as possible. But at the same time I look at her and see my path. I love taking care of her, and sometimes feel that I can do better. I want her to be happy, and not have to worry like I had to when I was a kid. I want her to be in a position, where she can go to any school she wants, and give her more than love, when the bills come in. I want her to understand that we have to work for what we want in life, and not be discouraged by my lack of financial security. Not be discouraged by my place in this world, and to understand that sometimes we live on principals, not the mighty dollar. It is extremely important for me to find my middle, and get paid for something I love doing. I no longer want to dread a job, and justify it by the paycheck. I will do what ever it takes to provide for my family, but will always long for better. A Better for the ones I love, and the strangers on the the street.
My life as been very hard, and very emotional this year. I wouldn't say harder than others, but more complicated. I have been trying to keep the love and peace in my family, and for myself. I have been juggling my life, and not making much head way. It all comes back to acceptance and strength. I have no regrets about most of my actions, but wish to make them up to others and myself. I want to lead by example, but must first find my present self.
Cancer is starting to eat at my heart, and is spreading to my brain. I have experienced death countless times, but it was usually sudden. My fathers situation is very different, he withers away from cancer and his treatments. The man that stands before me can't even stand! The man that sits before me can barely keep his head up, and shakes from pain. The man who lays before me can't even open his eyes, or talk. The man who sleeps before me can't even hug his children, or weep.
I will remain positive that he will heal from prayer, and from love. I will keep faith in life's plan, and that no matter the outcome. I will still wake up each day with infused knowledge, and keep my head up. When I sleep, I will still keep my dreams alive, and when I'm awake I will try to be strong and true to myself and to others! I will still keep the love for all things flowing in the unpredictable rivers of life. I know that If I fight the current my body will tire, and if I let the current take me, I will be pushed into places that are not my home. I will swim with the water rather then be pushed down another waterfall. I can see a boat by the shore, and will try my damnedest to reach it. When I finally do, I will pick up all the passengers I see!